Learning to Love My Body

Yes, this is a weight loss blog! If you're not interested in my journey, stop now! If you are, read on...

I've struggled with weight since I was a young teenager. I've never really loved my body...like really loved it. There has always been something that I don't like about myself physically. I realize that I'm not too different from other people in this struggle, but I have always found myself stuck in an internal battle because of how much I love who I am and how much I hate what houses who I am. My self-confidence has always been really high, so I would often kick myself for not appreciating the things that are great about my body...I have a healthy blood pressure, no cholesterol problems, I am fully mobile with no major ailments, I can breathe on my own, my arms reach behind my back and down to my toes, I can climb stairs, and my eyelashes catch my sweat (thanks for the line, Ms. Spektor!) Those are all things a lady should be grateful for everyday, right?!

RIGHT! So why was I not happy even when I knew I should be? Ugh. There's a list of reasons and I really don't want to label them all, but I have to bring up a couple. Most of them are my own problems, but some of them are issues created by loved ones or those I once considered loved ones.  One of the worst I can think of was an ex-boyfriend telling me that he didn't want a fat wife. I'm sure his intentions were to encourage me to lose weight, but what he really did was just poke at my insecurities and spiral me further into the darkness that was causing my problems in the first place! (Side note: I will never forget where I was when he told me that, what I was wearing, where we had come from, the vivid pain it made me feel, or any other detail from that moment because it was so horrific for me.)

See, I'm an emotional eater (wait, I WAS an emotional eater). I'd eat to celebrate. I'd eat to cure boredom. I'd eat to soothe a broken heart. I'd eat to cover up an insecurity. I'd eat to ignore depression. I'd eat socially. I'd eat as a reward. I'd eat when I was stressed. Do you get the point because I can add on to this list? This eating was detrimental to me and I knew that, but I wasn't willing to admit it to myself because then I would have to change a habit that I really loved. I was one of those people that said, "I'm not addicted to food. I can go without anything if I wanted to...well, except for cheese. I'll never be able to live without cheese."

Turns out I am able to live without cheese! I'm so glad I figured this out. One day I hit a turning point; it was time for me to find the healthy version of Maura. I can't really tell you what triggered it. I had engaged in many different workout routines over the years, but I was never willing to change my diet until one random Sunday afternoon in September. I had people around me (thank you, Naomi and Jess) who were successfully losing weight so I decided I wanted to do it too. It was no other reason than that. So, I whipped out my credit card, got on WeightWatchers.com and signed up. I made my way to a meeting that week, figured out the plan, and got started. I was appalled when WW scales registered my highest weight, but I knew it was the most I'd ever weigh so it wasn't devistatingly disappointing! (I'd tell you my highest weight, but I'm still not ready to share that yet. I hope I am by the time I reach my final, goal weight!)

Weight Watchers has helped me realize something really important. This process is not about a diet or losing weight. It's about being healthy (physically and mentally) and I'm more motivated by that then by any pound I have shed. I love learning how to cope without eating. I love watching my body change for good reasons. I am currently 50lbs lighter than I was when I started 18 weeks ago, and that is DEFINITELY a point of pride! But, not just because I'm thinner, because I can run now, I can hold yoga poses I would have never imagined me capable of, my energy is higher, my feet and knees ache less, my digestion system is healthier, my skin and hair are healthier, I'm starting to see something beautiful in the mirror after I shower...basically everything is changing. And, I can't lie, I really like getting dressed in the morning again!

So now, in my cheese addiction-less phase of life, I am having to learn how to love my physical body without any excuses, hopes for something better, or jealousy for others. I can tell you I have already traveled light years ahead in this endeavor, but there is more distance to cover (and I completely intend to do that).

For a closing thought, a friend of mine posted the blog below on FB the other day and I really loved it because I have been there. I almost feel like I wrote the blog. When I read about the intention she is going to set for her future yoga practices, I knew I was going to steal it from her! I look forward to really recognizing how great it is to be in my body (not just saying it, but feeling it).

Open Letter to the Fat Girl I Saw at Yoga - "At the start? Every time? I set my intention and it is this: For the next 75 minutes, don’t look around, don’t compare, don’t list all the ways you are not good enough to be here, and don’t hate yourself. Just Breathe. Just Breathe. Just Breathe. Just be in your body and remember how good a place it is to be, really."

I'll be posting more about this! There are so many things happening to me along this journey that I couldn't fit them all in one blog.
lovemaura