Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.

I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions, so that is not what this blog is about! It's more of a reflection on 2011 and a hope for what comes next in my life. January 1st or not, I love the idea of new beginnings and I'm all about trying to learn from what has just ended so my next journey (however long or short) can be the best yet. I am at a turning point in my life. I'm ready to shed a lot of skin and start fresh. Trust me when I tell you that this change hasn't been triggered by any sort of calendar event. It has been sparked by my brain and my heart being ready to enter the next journey.

This last year was a struggle for me. A lot of hit or miss situations left me feeling lonelier and displaced in my body then I care to admit. I let things in desperately hoping that I could manipulate them and make them things that would be good for me because I was too scared to let an opportunity pass me by. But, there was a problem with taking every chance because my intention was not in the right place! I took them not just to enjoy the experience, but to hope for an outcome that could pull me out of my slump. Foolishly, I thought I could use those moments to fix myself without realizing that I had no control. I just ended up causing myself more grief. I wasn't able to see when the opportunity soured and it was time to walk away! Why was I grasping so tightly to so many things that weren't substantial enough to ground me? Because I so desperately wanted things in my life to change. But they weren't going to change this way because I would spend so much energy trying to make one thing work that I'd stop taking care of something I had established that was already working. Pull too far to the left and lose what's on the right (or so I'm starting to understand).

I realize that most of you probably didn't see this struggle. Unless you are one of my closest confidants, you wouldn't have gotten a late-night phone call from a sobbing friend who was looking for some light. Plus, it was something that I thought was silly because I didn't have a big enough reason to be hurting. I did a good job of masking my loneliness, but that mask was just as unhealthy. I threw myself into activities and let them consume me. I would go all in with work, or with my social life, or with my physical health. I couldn't seem to nurture them all at once. I'm too obsessive for that. I could only focus on one thing at a time thus causing me to neglect the areas of my life I wasn't currently focused on. I don't want to be that Maura. I want to live my life happily by nurturing all the things that are important to me.

As the quote says above, "Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony." I think I have order, rhythm and harmony (or at least I know where to find them). Fortunately, I also have my wits, my intelligence, my heart, my humor, and my determination. What I don't have is great balance; I just don't. Thank goodness I have the skills I need to learn it!

I've been spending a lot of time on the yoga mat lately, which is where this idea about balance comes from. It is a practice I started with the hopes of improving my physical self, but have since found out it is also going to affect my spiritual self. One morning I found myself standing in front of the studio mirror struggling to hold myself in eagle. I fell out of the pose every time I tried to pick my leg up off the ground. I kept getting more and more frustrated because eagle is a simple pose. Why couldn't I find the balance to stand on one leg for less than a minute?! Ugh. I realized after that session that the more frustrated I got because of my lack of balance, the less I focused on the parts of my practice that I am great at. I want to learn balance and the only way to do that is by practicing and learning that it's okay to fall out of place every once in awhile as long as you try again!

I'm taking that lesson from the mat into my life. I want to learn balance, but it's not going to come easy. I have a lot of things going on in my life that I need to focus on...work, friendships, family, education, physical health, debt, goals, mental health, and the list goes on. I want to give all of these areas a fair amount of attention. I don't want to obsess over one so much that I forget the other ones still exist. If I can learn to balance between these things, I will be more ready to cope with the bad because I have stronger roots in the good.

So, check in with me along the way. See how my balance is going both literally and physically. I'll either show you a perfect eagle pose or I'll admit that I'm still a work in progress. Either way, how lucky am I to have a new beginning and a new perspective whenever I'm ready to have them?!

Wish me luck, and if you can already sway on one foot with confidence, count your blessings.
lovemaura