At the End of the Day

At the end of the day, you can't change what happened. You can only go back and look at it and think to yourself, "What gifts did today give me and how can I show them true appreciation by learning from them?" Fortunately, I already knew this about life, so when Tuesday brought me extremely polar opposites, I was ready for it...well, as much as I could be.

Let's start with the positive. I have very recently connected with Zach, an astounding gentleman. He is unexpectedly amazing and I'm a little stupefied right now. The last four days have been a beautiful whirlwind and I'm feeling a little weak in the knees (and not because my personal trainer rocked my legs the other morning)! For so long I have taken the cards I have been dealt and tried to make them into a hand I could gamble with. Of course, that consistently failed miserably because as soon as someone would call the hand at the end of the deal, I couldn't turn a pair of twos into a royal flush. Well, this time is completely different and I feel like if the flop goes right, I could be holding something better than a pair.

So of course, imagine the elation my heart is feeling right now. This elation is so potent that it is seemingly tangible, which fortunately for me helped hold me up when I got the news Tuesday evening that my student, Jesse Rosales, passed away in a car accident. You all know how much I love my students, how much I wish I could shelter them from the misfortune of this world, and how incapable I am of actually doing that. I read the email from my principal about the accident and my mind went blank.  I didn't want to be able to picture Jesse's face, so I couldn't. I sat in shock, trying to believe it wasn't him. I stared at a lit up screen not recognizing the words or names in the email until right about the time Colleen got home (thank you, universe, for not letting me be alone in that moment).

Queue hysterics. I wandered my way out to my back deck to sit with Colleen and spewed my emotions all over her lap. I was wrapped up in the fact that I had just experienced what I could consider to be a perfect day with the most devastating ending. As I sat there and cried, Colleen talked and I loved what she had to say.  She brought it to my attention that in 12 hours I just experienced the highest point of life and the lowest point of life. She made me realize that this experience was an incredible blessing because of its humbling lesson about valuing life.

I keep reflecting back on an old theme that Crissy had in her yoga classes about our bodies, hearts and souls being a vessel that must be exercised with both good and bad feelings so that we can learn to feel every moment even more than we already do. Life gave me a moment on Tuesday to exercise my heart on both ends of the spectrum. The loss of Jesse is excruciating, but the newness of Zach feels like Heaven and because they are paired next to each other, I am reminded to appreciate every moment I get with any person who graces my life more than I already do.

At the end of this day I'm left with gratitude, and I have to thank the people who helped me see life's gifts.

To Zach, thank you for adding beauty to a dark moment. Thank you for being hilarious, sweet, refreshing, and fun, and for making me feel wanted. I am so glad you have wandered across my path. I already appreciate every moment I have gotten to spend with you and I'm looking forward to more.

To Jesse, thank you for sharing your life with mine, even if only for a short time. You brought a smile to my face every time I saw you in class and reminded me why I am a teacher. I will think of you everyday when I ride my bike past the barber shop on 23rd and Eliot and send all my love to you in the next place.

To Colleen, thank you for being in the right spot at the right time with the perfect words to say. I knew connecting with you was going to be one of the greatest things in my life!
lovemaura

Rest in Peace, Jesse Rosales. You and your infectious smile will be greatly missed.