This blog entry has been a couple weeks coming. I’ve been playing with the idea in my head and in my heart. Shit, I’ve been rolling this idea around in my whole body. As you all know, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the yoga mat lately. I started it as a physical endeavor hoping to build muscle, strengthen my core, and create balance; but it has turned in to so much more.
When I started my yoga practice, I found a class and instructor that I loved right away, but she taught at times that weren’t working for me. I had to shop for a new teacher. I had an idea in mind of what I was looking for, and wasn’t finding her as easily as I thought I would. Queue Crissy. She was exactly the opposite of what I thought I was looking for! I didn’t know how to feel about her at first. I wanted to get an energy read from her as my yoga instructor, but I couldn’t quite get one. All I knew was that her classes were physically challenging and that was just what I was looking for. So, not knowing what I was getting in to, I decided to make myself a regular in her class. This turned out to be an incredible blessing. Now that I have become familiar with her style, I find her routine (or lack there of) to be refreshing. It’s stimulating. It’s right where I want to be.
Crissy is just wrapping up a couple week theme of desensitization. I’m not sure if that’s how I want to describe it. Let me explain. It seems as though our culture discourages sensitivity. People are so often discouraged from feeling (i.e. “Don’t cry; it’s okay,” or, “Don’t get angry.”). It’s as if we move so fast that we often forget to stop and feel. When feelings do catch up with us, we push them away if they’re not the ones we want to be experiencing. Through my yoga practice, I’m starting to realize just how silly this notion really is. Feelings and sensitivities are a gift. We have our senses; why not use them?
Crissy intuitively speaks meditations while I’m on the mat that I can’t help but take away with me, this one especially. (That’s the point, right? Yoga is supposed to start when we leave the mat and walk into our everyday life, right?) I wish you could hear how gracefully her instruction transitions from vulgar jokes to yogic wisdom in one class! Because of this flexibility in her teaching style, it feels more real when she’s encouraging my own flexibility. She encourages me on the mat to hold poses longer than I’m used to. She teaches me to seek out the feelings I’m physically experiencing in each pose and move towards them instead of backing away from them. She had me hold sleeping pigeon the other day for two minutes. It doesn’t seem like long, but I promise that my hip was screaming 30 seconds in. While holding the pose she kept telling the class not to start fidgeting but to try our best to hold still and really feel all the sensations going on in our bodies. This focus on my physical discomfort actually helped my head stay in the pose longer instead of trying to back away from it. Plus, by not backing away, I was (am) building resilience so that one day I will be able to feel even more.
And to feel even more is exactly what I want to do. Damn it feels good to feel good. In fact, it feels so good that I want to feel it as much as possible. And you know what, I’m willing to balance those feelings out on the other side as well. While holding sleeping pigeon I heard Crissy’s voice murmur, “This may hurt, but you’re building resilience. You’re creating more room in your body to feel. Yes, it may be uncomfortable to feel this right now, but when this feeling leaves your body and a good one rushes in, the good feeling will be that much better because your capacity to feel is now larger. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s worth it.”
Yes, Crissy! It is worth it! This is the point where I cry during my yoga practice. It is the point where I realize that what my body experiences physically is completely connected to what I’m feeling spiritually and emotionally. It is the part where I realize that those 75 minutes on my mat really are helping me process the other 1,365 minutes in my day.
Life has been REALLY uncomfortable lately. It is not going in ways I hoped it would. I don’t have any control over things that are slipping out of my grasp and that hurts. I’ve been experiencing emotions that I wish I didn’t have to because of their capacity to hurt me. But you know what, I’m going to move towards those feeling. I’m going to hold that sleeping pigeon pose for a little while longer because when I come out on the other side, I’ll be that much more capable of feeling the good feelings that come next.
I may not be able to control when or where those next good feelings come from, but I can rest assured that when they get here, I’ll have an open heart that is ready to receive them. I may shed a few more tears before that happens, but it’s totally worth it. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
Thank you, Crissy, for this new perspective.
lovemaura
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