Warning! This is a blog about my dating life! Don't read it if you don't want to know...dad, mom, and exes! Or do. I'm an open book. :)
It has been a long time since I've written a blog. For some reason today feels like the day. Wait, I know why it feels like the day! Because in the past, I have written blogs to help me sort out my emotions. Plus, the feedback I get on these blogs helps me in so many ways. It reminds me my experience in this life is normal and that I am not alone in what I am going through. And, when I receive affirmation from others, it makes me feel like sharing my stories can inspire/comfort/validate others. Writing my story and airing my business has always been a part of my healing.
So here's what has been going on in my life since June 2013. I have been DEPRESSED. Extremely depressed. There have been many long nights of sobbing on my couch, not wanting to get out of bed, having too many drinks, hating the next day, and wasting time in manic moments just to feel guilty about it right afterwards. Sometimes there is a loved one on the other end of my phone to talk me through these moments, or even someone walking next to me, but most of the time I am ALONE. Where is this depression coming from you ask? I'm not entirely sure. But if I had to say anything, it's coming from loneliness. I am tired of not sharing my life with another person. I am tired of trying to find someone to help me be less lonely. I am tired of lying to myself about the men I meet, and I am tired of being let down because I always get my hopes up too soon.
Since Zach and I broke up, I have been on a mission to meet someone. If you are close to me, you have gotten to hear some of the play-by-play. If you are not, I'll try to sum it up for you. It all started after I was told by one too many people that I have to be happy with myself before I can meet the right guy. FUCK THAT! I am happy with myself. I am a beautiful, intelligent, successful, charming, clever, driven, funny, exciting, passionate woman and I LOVE ME! Because of that I decided that if I want to meet the right man, then I should go out and find him. If you're sitting around unemployed you don't just work on loving yourself while you wait for the right job to fall in your lap, right?! You go out and get a damn job! That was precisely my reasoning for this dating roller coaster I have been on for the last six months.
I'm only going to give you the overview of the dating roller coaster so as to protect the feelings of the men involved. I promise, if I had been journaling every date, it would be a best seller. But instead I will just tell you that there was the Butcher, Mr. Karaoke, the Genius, the Lawyer, the Mountain Man, the Re-Do, the Engineer, the Blind Date, and one man I called only by his name so I will leave that one out. They lasted one date, many weeks, drained me of my money, and spoiled me with theirs. They took me to musicals, casinos, fancy dinners, questionable warehouse parties, lively bars, comedy clubs, yoga classes, and more places than I can remember. They hugged me, kissed me, told me things I wanted to hear, and reminded me of things I would avoid forever. They drove me to airports, text me hilarious photos, ridiculed me, and made me cry. They lied to me and practiced unabashed honesty. They fell head over heels for me or just weren't that in to me. I broke some of their hearts and some of them broke mine. But mostly, they left me with some really interesting stories and lessons.
And here I am, back at ground zero, where I am starting to realize that this is too much. It's okay though because I am not willing to settle for anything less than what I want and deserve! It's time to start questioning what I really want. Is it stupid to want to be swept off my feet? I don't think so. But I'm not unrealistic. I ask for only two things from them and everything else is negotiable: that they treat with me with respect and that they are truly a wonderful companion. I don't know where I go from here. I suppose I just go about my merry journey and see what comes next. For the moment I can promise that I am completely unmotivated. I think I'm just going to enjoy my friends and my family for a bit. They are a guaranteed good time. But, the search is not done. I don't believe I am meant to walk this world alone. I have way too much love to give to not share it with another. Until then, I'm going to relax. It's really hard to live in a state of always looking for something. It distracts you from enjoying the perfection of the moment you are in. So, if you need me, I will be enjoying the moment! And if you need to give your handsome, single brother my number, go for it! Ha! I'm joking...or am I?
lovemaura
P.S. No need to offer me the "Don't worry, you will find the right man" condolences. I already know. ;)
1 comment:
I met Paul while I was dating his best friend. We hit it off right away {no attraction at all} We hung out often and the boyfriend/best friend went by the wayside {still no fireworks}. I tried hooking him up with my friends just to see his heart broken. I eventually got him to come to one of our family holiday dinners and watching him mingle and the way he treated my grandparents and nephews, I started to see him in a different light. That was 20 years ago. We worked into the fireworks, now I get them everyday when I see him. The moral of my story is friendship is the key, you can make the sparks happen. Maybe he's been right under your nose all along.
Love you XXXOOO
Brandie
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