It has been two months since I've written a blog. This one has been planned out in my head five times over by now, but for some reason I have hesitated putting it into writing. This morning, Michelle, my fearless Weight Watchers leader, bullied (in the most encouraging of ways) me into finally writing it. ;) I thank her for the motivation because I have been slacking.
As most of you probably watched over the course of this past year, I transformed myself into a Weight Watchers success story. I made my journey incredibly public because it held me accountable for the lifestyle change, but also because it felt good to get the praise for all my hard work and determination. In fact, the accolades are part of what kept pushing me forward. What I wasn't always 100% vocal about were the struggles. I definitely voiced some of them because I wanted people to see that my journey was genuine, but I didn't let you all know every time I fell and had to get back up.
Well, now I'm at the phase where I am settling in to my new body and this new life. The honey moon is over. I have hit goal weight. I have become a lifetime WW member. I have been maintaining 155 pounds since July. There are no more medals that I can be awarded or weight-loss landmarks that I can strive for along the journey. I'm no longer the center of attention, which is a great thing because I love getting to focus solely on the accomplishments of my amazing Bye Bye Bootie Team. Being a cheerleader and support is an awesome job to have. However, I think that's why I have been able to be quiet about my newest struggles, and since I credit much of my success to my publicized experience, I write this blog hoping to pull myself out of this funk.
For 10 months, I thought when I hit goal weight that life was going to be fixed. I thought that a littler waist would usher in smaller jeans, a sexier ass to strut around town, an awesome boyfriend, a bigger smile, and a magical fairy would swoop down from the heavens and open up a plethora of shiny opportunities for me. Well, most of those things happened. I'm still speechless (a term used figuratively) about how awesome my life is right now. What hasn't happened is an acquirement of total control over the struggles that caused my obesity in the first place. I have an issue with food. If it's in front of my face, I want it in my mouth. I don't care if it tastes good. I don't care if I'm hungry. I don't care if I just ate a huge dinner. I WANT FOOD. I feel like if I was a muppet, I'd be the Food Monster. I would have eternal conflict with Cookie Monster because I'd eat all his cookies and then probably try to eat him!
So where do I go from here? Is this food issue really a problem? I mean I have maintained my weight. Isn't that the ultimate goal? Oh, wait? What? It's not the ultimate goal? Why didn't someone tell me that when I started?! Alright, I joke, but isn't there a little truth to every joke? For months, the scale was my consolation. As much as it is engrained in me that Weight Watchers isn't a diet but a tool towards gaining a healthy lifestyle, every time said lifestyle was being compromised by my not-so-healthy choices, the diminishing scale number was validation. That number every week gave me something to focus on when I didn't want to admit that I hadn't completely changed my ways. I don't have that number to validate me anymore. I have to stare my food issues straight in the eye and deal with them and it's not fun!
I suppose the next step is to look for the self-motivation I found that got me to my goal and adjust it to serve me in a different way. Now I need to figure out how to use it to learn how to control food instead of letting food control me. There's nothing to mask the problem anymore. I can't just eat what I want whenever I want for the rest of my life! Until I figure out how to change those multitudinous "unhealthy" wants into something healthier, the struggle continues. It's just me and my compulsive snacking in the cage match. I hope I come out victorious because I don't want to constantly worry about food for the rest of my life. I watch the people around me who seem to have a healthy relationship with food and I want that. It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine!
lovemaura
2 comments:
Ah! Maura, I completely understand. I'm a total Food Monster! My eating is still a work in progress, but the book Overcoming Overeating opened my eyes to a lot of things that helped me be more attentive to my eating habits and my emotions. I know DPL has it. I actually want to buy a copy after borrowing it from them. If I can help at all, text me! Love you!
Wow Maura! I'm glad you posted this because as someone who has not found the courage to take the steps to change my life I must admit that sometimes I have that delusional thinking too... that if I just lose 100lbs everything will be golden! And then sometimes I have the opposite where it's like... figure out why you take comfort in food so much and then it will all fall into place! I guess it's nice to know that no matter which order you do it in both things will need to be addressed at some point: The Weight, and the Reason You Gained It In the First Place!!!! Good job, keep it up! You are inspiring my dear!
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